Do you remember the television series Family Affair?  Then I'm sure you remember the twins, Buffy and Jody.  And you remember Buffy's doll, Mrs. Beasley, don't you?  I fucking hated that doll!

Most little girls pack around baby dolls.  But strangely, Buffy’s doll was a woman in her seventies with granny glasses.  And I hated that doll's shit-eating grin.  I always wanted Jody to rip Mrs. Beasley's head off and feed it to the invisible bear.

By the way, where the hell was Mr. Beasley?  Mrs. Beasley was a widow, right?  Actually, I think that Mrs. Beasley was a lesbian feminist and a pioneer in the pro-choice movement...and she should have been named Ms. Beasley.

Buffy had a very strange relationship with that doll.  The whole world was supposed to revolve around Mrs. Beasley.  And I hated how Buffy got away with shit by blaming everything on the damn doll!

You may not remember the episode in which Uncle Bill and Mr. French found LSD in Buffy's bedroom.  When they went to confront her, Buffy said, "Mrs. Beasley has a drug problem and she needs help." 

Another lost episode of Family Affair showed a graphic scene in which Buffy murdered Cissy's boyfriend.  No one would have suspected Buffy of having anything to do with it…if not for the fact that investigators found Mrs. Beasley at the scene of the crime.  When they interrogated Buffy, she said, "Mrs. Beasley didn't do it but she was an eye-witness."  Then, she held that doll up to her ear, pretending that it was whispering to her, and said, “Mrs. Beasley saw Ernie from My Three Sons kill Cissy's boyfriend." 

That's right, Buffy framed Ernie and got away with it.  You may have missed that episode of My Three Sons in which Ernie started a riot in juvenile detention that killed three guards.

Not to change the subject, but I always thought that Uncle Bill and Mr. French were carrying on a clandestine gay relationship.  My suspicions were confirmed in an episode of Bewitched that featured a scene with Darrin from Bewitched meeting up with Uncle Bill and Mr. French at that gay bath house.  Their secret never would have gotten out had Floyd the Barber (from The Andy Griffith Show) not shown up.  Of course, Floyd could never keep a secret and when he got back to Mayberry, he stopped by the sheriff's office to tell Andy.  As he told Andy about seeing Mr. French and Uncle Bill at the gay bath house, he didn't notice that Otis was in the jail cell playing checkers with Buffy and Mrs. Beasley.  Buffy heard every word and Mrs. Beasley blackmailed Uncle Bill and Mr. French for every penny they were worth.